San Francisco Sunday Horoscopes
* The video, set to Weird Al’s “Your Horoscope for Today”, set the tone … but the local psychic spins it all San Francisco style for you*
Weird Al lyrics for Aquarius: “There’s travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus; Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a day.”
What this means for Aquarius this week in San Francisco: Stay away from MUNI (especially today when Bay to Breakers has things all crazy like) unless you think you’re truly ready to leave the city, maybe for good. Play video games at work if need be; SF-ers are known for multi-tasking.
Weird Al lyrics for Pisces: “Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus; You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots at work say.”
What this means for Pisces this week in San Francisco: There are crowds everywhere in SF in the near future (thanks to Bay to Breakers, Carnaval, Memorial Day celebrations) – get out there and shake your stuff with the best of them but consider wearing one of those protective masks to keep yourself safe in the city.Weird Al lyrics for Aries: “The look on your face will be priceless when you find that forty pound watermelon in your colon; Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl Streep.”
What this means for Aries this week in San Francisco: What you’ve thought was only a minor problem is bigger than you imagined but maybe if you ignore it, it’ll just go away; treat it by taking to your bed for a week and watching movies like Shortbus and Devil Wears Prada.Weird Al lyrics for Taurus: “You will never find true happiness – what you gonna do, cry about it? The stars predict tomorrow you’ll wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep.”
What this means for Taurus this week in San Francisco: You don’t have to worry about true happiness here in SF because there’s always another distraction to keep your crazy mind at bay. Keep yourself busy during the day and pass out at night.
Weird Al lyrics for Gemini: “Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence; Your love life will run into trouble when your fiance hurls a javelin through your chest.”
What this means for Gemini this week in San Francisco: Terrible awful things will ruin any big moments happening in life today, but don’t fret; all of the small things going on from day to day will be filled with fun.Weird Al lyrics for Cancer: “The position of Jupiter says you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud; Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver’s test.”
What this means for Cancer this week in San Francisco: Whatever you do, don’t try to drive or park in San Francisco this week. Instead, walk yourself to the beach and lounge there in the sunshine.
Weird Al lyrics for Leo: “Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss’s face, oh no; Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quik.”
What this means for Leo this week in San Francisco: Behave during work hours but then go out and do something adventurous after the grind is done for the day. Try one of the hundreds of strange SF restaurants dotting the cityscape.
Weird Al lyrics for Virgo: “All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent – except for you; Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled on a stick.”
What this means for Virgo this week in San Francisco: You don’t have to live up to anyone else’s stereotypes of what you’re “supposed to be”. Just be. That’s the bizarre beauty of this city.
Weird Al lyrics for Libra: “A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more talented that you; Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your appendix bursts next week.”
What this means for Libra this week in San Francisco: Celebrate someone else’s success this week and resist the urge to laugh behind their backs when the party’s over; your turn is coming up soon.Weird Al lyrics for Scorpio: “Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window; Work a little harder on improving your low self-esteem, you stupid freak.”
What this means for Scorpio this week in San Francisco: If you want to look at the bad side of everything and feel blue, there’s plenty of reason to do it. But did you know, how you feel is entirely up to you? Look around at all that there is to love in San Francisco and then leave the pity party and celebrate life.
Weird Al lyrics for Sagittarius: “All your friends are laughing behind your back (kill them); Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you’ve got hanging in your den.”
What this means for Sagittarius this week in San Francisco: Find someone new to be infatuated with for awhile because the old fires aren’t going to be warm enough this week.
Weird Al lyrics for Capricorn: “The stars say that you’re an exciting and wonderful person, but you know they’re lying; If I were you, I’d lock my doors and windows and never never never never never leave my house again.”
What this means for Capricorn this week in San Francisco: There’s something about you that you don’t want anyone else to find out; spend some time saging your San Francisco apartment and journalling your heart out or you’re going to let this fester until it gets out of hand.
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